Today was a sad day. One of my good friends, had two deaths in her extended family, a set of parents both lost in a matter of 3 weeks. Death is a funny thing you know? How could someone cope with the loss of two people that hold so much of who someone is.. so much of their history? I cant even imagine that. The thought kept crossing my mind all day and my eyes would well up with tears. I don’t know how I would cope if that were me. The thought of losing my parents or anyone in my immediate family brings me to tears. I decided last minute tonight to go and visit my parents tomorrow. I haven’t seen them in almost a month. In fact the last time I was there the first parent, her mother had died. Today this woman’s father died. One was an expected death the other was unexpected. There’s this thing we learn about when counselling bereaved people, its called anticipatory grief. It’s grieving the loss before the person actually died. This occurs a lot when families are in a midst of a terminal illness, or when the prognosis after an accident is very poor—situations where loss is expected in some way.
I have addiction very close to my family, and they are right when they say addiction is a family disease. I feel like I have been grieving this loss for years in anticipation for it. It hasn’t happened yet and I am grateful every day that it hasn’t. This person is one of the most important people in my life. She is my other half. She used to be everything I ever wanted to be. She’s in the class A team as Ed says in his song. I hope one day I can stop grieving for the person she once was, the generous beautiful angel, my guardian angel for sure. I lost count how many nights spent crying, spent worrying, spent searching. People that meet me now will not know her like the others. Her children will forget all the good and their children will think someone else is their grandmother. That’s the first time I ever thought about the grandmother part. I always tell people who were lucky enough to know her before addiction stole her soul that they were blessed and their lives will be better because of her. She was a rescuer of people of animals and she was a forgiver, a far better forgiver then I ever was. Sometimes I smell her perfume on other people and my heart shoots into my throat. Sometimes my elevator smells like her, its really the lady on the 4th floor. She smells like cigarette smoke and expensive perfume. One time she left her sweater here and I wore it to bed for a week..
My future husband will not know the big heart of my loved one if she continues this way. This fact hit me two years ago when I had just begun dating this new guy. It was a time where her habits were intensifying. I remember it was late at night probably 2 in the morning. Him and I were talking about our lives and it hit me he will never know her like my ex did…. Never. I just burst into tears. He sat me up and wiped my tears with his big hands. I was sobbing uncontrollably.. I couldn’t even explain why for a few minutes. When I caught my breath I explained why I was so upset. He pulled me close to him and said, “tell me…” I said “what?” “tell me about her…tell me stories” . “Really?” I asked… and began telling tales of my loved one. Although it didn’t work out with this guy that was a moment full of love and compassion that I will forever remember.
There’s a line in Ed’s song that says “the worst things in life come free to us” but you know what so do the best things….